Monthly Archives: March 2015

Slowly it takes hold.


So many thoughts, too many demands from every direction. Pulling and pushing.
Too many things happening at once, priorities, everything seems like it must be done now or I will miss the chance to get it right.
Too many opinions but no answers. No clear path to help. Too problems crowding my mind, overwhelming it, making each thought shout to be heard, all seemingly as important as the other.
Do this, try that. Do this now or the opportunity is lost. But this one needs help too. I cannot keep taking more on. I need to do more. It is all too much. So I do nothing.
It feels like nothing even though it is not. It is a constant cycle of seeking, fighting, trying to unravel the complexities of everything thrown in front of me.
Too many at once, I cannot think.
My mind retreats, my body shuts down. I cannot do it any more, the tears flow, the emptiness grows.
Constantly my body betrays me, the cracks appear too often now and the angst seeks its release.
Shortness of breath, racing thoughts that make no sense as they continuously multiply and push the boundaries of my mind.
My body shakes on the inside, shuts down on the out. The barriers go up too late. The cracks are to big to fix myself.
I need to escape, to stop this endless fury in my mind.
I need to be present and in control but I cannot. It is all too much at once.
I cannot find a foothold, a thought to hold onto to pull me back.
So I let go.
I now this is not the answer, but I know how to bring the numbness on.
I let it engulf me.
Slowly, I can feel it start to muffle the chatter, the shakes get less as it takes control.
It is a silent relief to finally feel it happening. I gasp at the peacefulness overtaking my mind.
But I know it is not the way to do it this but I need it now.
Slowly the guilt numb too.
The numbness grows.
It takes over my body first.
The twitches lessen, my breathe slows down and my head slowly sinks into the pillow with a delightful heaviness.
Then the numbness creeps slowly into my head.
The riot of thoughts finally subdue and the chatter stops.
Oh how I needed that to stop.
Finally, I can rest.
Finally I succumb to the numbness.

RLF 29-3-15


Moments of clarity


It is there. Suddenly appears in my thoughts. It is there.
Amongst my racing thoughts and constant chatter, it is there.
Like a crystal clear droplet, it is there.
It grows and pushes the other thoughts away, forcing itself into existence in a crowded space.
It is what is I have been wanting, desperate for answers, it is there.
So crystal clear. Just forming slowly, bring a sense of balance, of peace to the clutter on my mind, it is there.
But as soon as I realise its presence, it moves out of reach.
That crystal clear moment, that sought after clarity.As much I try I can not reach it but it is still there.
The more I focus the more it retreats.
My mind makes a sudden grab. That moment of clarity I have been so desperately seeking has gone. Engulfed suddenly by the messy clutter of my thoughts, the chatter rises again and it is lost forever.
It is no longer there.

RLF, 29-3-15